There are three things I loathe on this planet more than anything #1 Birds-when I was little I always had long hair and I was pretty sure birds would get caught in it, plus they are unpredictable and squawk a lot. All my encounters with birds have been negative. I once bruised my mom’s arm trying to escape pooping seagulls and I’m pretty sure I heard Cloud Dancer, the evil parakeet, squawking as he was dying locked up in Ashley’s bedroom from paint fumes and did nothing . I repeat, I hate birds. #2 My second loathe is bats-see above for reasons of dislike and then add in the fear of rabies. However, they are number two, due to the fact that they don’t make as much noise. #3 Bane of my existence is waking up before I absolutely have to. I am not a morning person and have been known to berate good boy scout neighbors for saving my trash cans and waking me up. The only one who can get away with waking me up is Jara, barely! But anyway back to my original objective:
Foul fowl and other noxious creatures.
Just so you know, there are 17 species of mockingbird, it is the state bird of Mississippi, and that the mockingbird can imitate up to 100 various sounds and it is ILLEGAL to kill them! Why would anyone want to protect this horrible creature? Wendy, the animal lover, knows more about mockingbirds and may be able to correct me on this information and tried to help me see the beauty of the evil creatures but to no avail. You want to know why? Because there is a deranged mockingbird who lives in my Palo Verde tree. The first night he started in at say 3:00AM and wouldn’t stop until the sun came up. I couldn't ignore him, the AC froze up trying to drown him out and no amount of mental swearing could make him stop. I even tried putting him away with all my worries in a little bottle and putting him on a shelf. But then I started thinking about the coyote and road runner, and I started to think coyote thoughts about how I wanted to put mockingbird in a little bottle, and blow him into a million pieces. Have you ever watched “Failure to Launch?” Remember the crazy chick who goes to the hunting store, stealing one bullet to kill the “devil” bird. I think there should be a mockingbird support group out there. This was only night one. Night two, he started in earlier and went until sun-up. Another amazing thing about mockingbirds, and I’m just speculating here, they have great lung capacity! I don’t think that bird took a breath for 4 hours! Night three, I’m at my wits end, when that wicked bird starts in at 12:45! I knew he had no plans of stopping and was just gathering momentum an hour later. So, I did what any tormented woman soul would do and sat up straight in bed and yelled “Do something husband, big strong manly, able to bear arms by our blessed constitution of the United States, man.” Jed always happy to harm innocent little creatures (think bunny days) rose to the occasion and went stalking out into the moonlight armed with a BB gun, he said the neighbors would call the cops when I insisted he use the 12 gauge, so I relented. He snuck quietly out into the night and all of sudden I heard this pathetic peep and it sounded like the mockingbird had choked on a chicken bone or taken a BB to the chest. Hahahahaha!! Happy day my strapping husband was a crack shot in the night towards a unseen target. I had the biggest smile on my face you could ever imagine, and a feeling of relief flooded over me like NyQuil hadn’t been able to provide for the past three days. Now before you go call the Audubon society and turn me in, I’ll have you know Jed didn’t really kill the bird, and he didn’t even fire off a shot. Just opening our screen door wearing only his garments had scared the bird back into his senses and I’ve only heard him one other time in the last month. We will no longer be getting rid of our alarmingly loud screen door!
Well this story is getting long so I will have to tell you about the other foul fowl and noxious creatures another day. May you sleep well tonight mockingbird free.
Foul fowl and other noxious creatures.
Just so you know, there are 17 species of mockingbird, it is the state bird of Mississippi, and that the mockingbird can imitate up to 100 various sounds and it is ILLEGAL to kill them! Why would anyone want to protect this horrible creature? Wendy, the animal lover, knows more about mockingbirds and may be able to correct me on this information and tried to help me see the beauty of the evil creatures but to no avail. You want to know why? Because there is a deranged mockingbird who lives in my Palo Verde tree. The first night he started in at say 3:00AM and wouldn’t stop until the sun came up. I couldn't ignore him, the AC froze up trying to drown him out and no amount of mental swearing could make him stop. I even tried putting him away with all my worries in a little bottle and putting him on a shelf. But then I started thinking about the coyote and road runner, and I started to think coyote thoughts about how I wanted to put mockingbird in a little bottle, and blow him into a million pieces. Have you ever watched “Failure to Launch?” Remember the crazy chick who goes to the hunting store, stealing one bullet to kill the “devil” bird. I think there should be a mockingbird support group out there. This was only night one. Night two, he started in earlier and went until sun-up. Another amazing thing about mockingbirds, and I’m just speculating here, they have great lung capacity! I don’t think that bird took a breath for 4 hours! Night three, I’m at my wits end, when that wicked bird starts in at 12:45! I knew he had no plans of stopping and was just gathering momentum an hour later. So, I did what any tormented woman soul would do and sat up straight in bed and yelled “Do something husband, big strong manly, able to bear arms by our blessed constitution of the United States, man.” Jed always happy to harm innocent little creatures (think bunny days) rose to the occasion and went stalking out into the moonlight armed with a BB gun, he said the neighbors would call the cops when I insisted he use the 12 gauge, so I relented. He snuck quietly out into the night and all of sudden I heard this pathetic peep and it sounded like the mockingbird had choked on a chicken bone or taken a BB to the chest. Hahahahaha!! Happy day my strapping husband was a crack shot in the night towards a unseen target. I had the biggest smile on my face you could ever imagine, and a feeling of relief flooded over me like NyQuil hadn’t been able to provide for the past three days. Now before you go call the Audubon society and turn me in, I’ll have you know Jed didn’t really kill the bird, and he didn’t even fire off a shot. Just opening our screen door wearing only his garments had scared the bird back into his senses and I’ve only heard him one other time in the last month. We will no longer be getting rid of our alarmingly loud screen door!
Well this story is getting long so I will have to tell you about the other foul fowl and noxious creatures another day. May you sleep well tonight mockingbird free.
*I really am not too crazy just passing the time until Jed gets home from a very long day of work.
4 comments:
hahaha. it was hard to not pee my pants while i laughed out loud on this one. you, my dear, are a fabulous writer. i literally could see jed with his butt white garments outside in the middle of the night.
This was an awesome story, and I intend on making my wife read this post to prove that all my Logandale stories are true, before you wrote it I kept thinking Jed is so killing that bird at the end of this story.
Other funny note, I have been painting my house over the last week, and I actually told the somewhat tragic mostly funny story of Clowd Dancers death to my family. (Although I myself have only heard the story, I always feel obligated to pass on funny storeis) Funny that you brought it up, and let it die....
I was wondering when Jed would be taking a role in this hillarious story. I'm glad that you are able to get some decent sleep...have you tried ear plugs?
Funny....it reminds me of a college days story. Do you remember at Chancellor Manor when I was going to stick a potato in the tail-pipe of that van that the owners would start up really, really early and let idle outside my window? Torment!!!
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