Foul Fowl and other Noxious Creatures

There are three things I loathe on this planet more than anything #1 Birds-when I was little I always had long hair and I was pretty sure birds would get caught in it, plus they are unpredictable and squawk a lot. All my encounters with birds have been negative. I once bruised my mom’s arm trying to escape pooping seagulls and I’m pretty sure I heard Cloud Dancer, the evil parakeet, squawking as he was dying locked up in Ashley’s bedroom from paint fumes and did nothing . I repeat, I hate birds. #2 My second loathe is bats-see above for reasons of dislike and then add in the fear of rabies. However, they are number two, due to the fact that they don’t make as much noise. #3 Bane of my existence is waking up before I absolutely have to. I am not a morning person and have been known to berate good boy scout neighbors for saving my trash cans and waking me up. The only one who can get away with waking me up is Jara, barely! But anyway back to my original objective:
Foul fowl and other noxious creatures.
Just so you know, there are 17 species of mockingbird, it is the state bird of Mississippi, and that the mockingbird can imitate up to 100 various sounds and it is ILLEGAL to kill them! Why would anyone want to protect this horrible creature? Wendy, the animal lover, knows more about mockingbirds and may be able to correct me on this information and tried to help me see the beauty of the evil creatures but to no avail. You want to know why? Because there is a deranged mockingbird who lives in my Palo Verde tree. The first night he started in at say 3:00AM and wouldn’t stop until the sun came up. I couldn't ignore him, the AC froze up trying to drown him out and no amount of mental swearing could make him stop. I even tried putting him away with all my worries in a little bottle and putting him on a shelf. But then I started thinking about the coyote and road runner, and I started to think coyote thoughts about how I wanted to put mockingbird in a little bottle, and blow him into a million pieces. Have you ever watched “Failure to Launch?” Remember the crazy chick who goes to the hunting store, stealing one bullet to kill the “devil” bird. I think there should be a mockingbird support group out there. This was only night one. Night two, he started in earlier and went until sun-up. Another amazing thing about mockingbirds, and I’m just speculating here, they have great lung capacity! I don’t think that bird took a breath for 4 hours! Night three, I’m at my wits end, when that wicked bird starts in at 12:45! I knew he had no plans of stopping and was just gathering momentum an hour later. So, I did what any tormented woman soul would do and sat up straight in bed and yelled “Do something husband, big strong manly, able to bear arms by our blessed constitution of the United States, man.” Jed always happy to harm innocent little creatures (think bunny days) rose to the occasion and went stalking out into the moonlight armed with a BB gun, he said the neighbors would call the cops when I insisted he use the 12 gauge, so I relented. He snuck quietly out into the night and all of sudden I heard this pathetic peep and it sounded like the mockingbird had choked on a chicken bone or taken a BB to the chest. Hahahahaha!! Happy day my strapping husband was a crack shot in the night towards a unseen target. I had the biggest smile on my face you could ever imagine, and a feeling of relief flooded over me like NyQuil hadn’t been able to provide for the past three days. Now before you go call the Audubon society and turn me in, I’ll have you know Jed didn’t really kill the bird, and he didn’t even fire off a shot. Just opening our screen door wearing only his garments had scared the bird back into his senses and I’ve only heard him one other time in the last month. We will no longer be getting rid of our alarmingly loud screen door!
Well this story is getting long so I will have to tell you about the other foul fowl and noxious creatures another day. May you sleep well tonight mockingbird free.

*I really am not too crazy just passing the time until Jed gets home from a very long day of work.

Palm Trees and Offspring

Last weekend we made the journey to Southern California (I can never bring myself to say So. Cal.) Here are the highlights of our trip.

*Disclaimer: Sorry if the Offspring music on the blog is too much, but it goes with the post!

Friday
Arrival, alive, do not listen to mapquest when they tell you the "shortest" route. Should have bought a squirrel! (Anyone who has watched the movie Rat Race will appreciate this)

Saturday

Santa Monica

Jara was crazy! She loved the beach. She would run into the waves and then lift up her feet so that the wave could pull her out to the ocean, laughing the whole time. Notice the pier in the background there were a lot of fun things to do.

Sunday

The real reason for our trip, Santa Barbara

We took a tug boat across the harbor. The name of the boat was the "Little Toot" it ran on biodiesel and fun! It even blew bubbles out of the smokestack, maybe that's what biodiesel does to your vehicle. We also rented a four person bike and put five adults and two small children on it. The Swans (Christal and Brennen and Logan) went with us and my little brother, Jordan. We terrorized the city and I think we got even with the squirrel and ran over a member of his family. Just kidding. The warning bell on the bike frightened away most people, animals and children within a good two mile radius. I'm still hearing it in my sleep. That night the boys went to the Offspring concert and the women and children went to the beach. Jara and Logan had so much fun eating pizza (I think Jara preferred sand) and playing in the waves.

A Tribute to our Mother's

The Top 10 Things We've Learned/Love About Our Mother's…

Bonnie
1. She loves children more than anything and inspired in me that same love.
2. Speaking of children, she takes care of mine and loves her no matter how naughty I say she is.

3. She takes care of me when I’m sick, still! I can’t remember how many nights she would stay up with me and sing primary songs with me when I was little
4. She always turned the tape over for me and Ashley. (At night we would listen to books on tape and when one side of the tape was over we would yell at her to come and turn it over for us and she always would.)
5. She is a creative and innovative designer. She always knows how to arrange furniture and where to hang pictures.
6. She taught me how to fix the vacuum and just about anything else with a handy household tool called a butter knife.
7. “Resourcefulness” (is that a word) and creativity, my mom can always make things work.
8. How to get a good deal!
9. She taught me how to drive at the risk of her own life.
10. Always listening to me, even when I am raging!
Thanks for everything mom, I love you!

Kathy
1. She taught me how to pee pee! It was a good story so if you want to know how just give her a call and she will go through the details (It involves a catheter).
2. She taught me patience. This I learned when I brought home a big gulp of mice from the mountains and forgot about them until my mom put them in the dishwasher two weeks later (her patience allowed her not to kill me).
3. Job Charts! Thanks to them my wife loves me because I help out at the house.
4. I learned creativity from my mom because of all the quilts she made. I more of the artsy type than mathematical. (Just ask my brother Ryan).
5. Most of us think that we learned hard work from dad by digging all the holes, but mom was no slacker. I also learned hard work from mom.
6. Supportiveness. I don’t know if that is a word, but she always supported me and so I will always support my kids in whatever they want to do. (Even if Jara decides to be a cheerleader, maybe).
7. Music. Mom has held many positions in music for the church and I think it helped me have a good voice (Like a Frog).
8. She is always interested in what I am doing in life. Whether it be about school, sports, family, or fourwheelers, she always wants to see how things are going.
9. Where to acquire the best flowers (It involves cemeteries).
10. I have learned how to love from my mother. She has always been very caring and understanding to her children, and thanks to her I hope to be able to love my children the same way.

Teacher Appreciation

Have you thanked a teacher today? Last week was our school's teacher appreciation week, it's always nice to feel loved. Kind acts included a new book from every student, a car wash (my yearly car wash), lovely hand written cards (written in what my sister calls "Russian"), a lovely luncheon and my personal favorite, "bring your teacher flowers day." This year I received beautiful roses, desert wildflowers, and a highly uncommon golden poinsettia. It is rare and unique that you can find a gold poinsettia with foil accents in May. This is the gift that will keep on giving throughout all seasons and all time. I'm pretty sure that whatever synthetic material it is made out of, will withstand the elements and the disintegration of the Earth itself! I hope you enjoy seeing it among my Christmas decorations radiating love and thoughtfulness till I die. All you younger generations may put in your applications now for it to be handed over when I can no longer care for it.

The camera does not do justice to the radiating beauty of girl or flower.

Quotes

Life is never dull in first grade. We just celebrated May Day. Here are two of the funniest things I heard this week.
"Look guys, flies REALLY like me!"
This boy had at least five flies sitting on his hands; it was completely disgusting. I had to laugh though because the flies truly did like him!

Me: Those are cute pants, Ann.* Are they new?
Ann: No, they are my sister's. I have to wear her gaucho pants because mine are too tight and they squeeze my butt, and then you can see my panties!
*names changed, to protect the innocent
It was May day night when she told me this and Jed was at school with me, we both laughed so hard we almost cried. What first grader knows about gaucho pants and pantie lines?

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE...
On teacher appreciation day (the day where the children where supposed to bring flowers) one of my students asked...
"Mrs. Wheeler, can you call my dad and ask him to bring you some flowers?"
Tempting but I told him he could draw me some beautiful daisies instead.

Fair Fun

Ahh the smell of funnel cakes, pigs and carnies was in the air this weekend. The fair was in town. We had a great time. On Thursday, I went with my first graders and Jara, (and thankfully my mom) and on Saturday we went as a family with friends from Las Vegas.

Jara with her ice cream. Notice the angry look she gave me when I suggested she needed to give me a bite! I don't share food either I don't know why I expected her to.

Here are my kids all in orange sitting still for a minute, they had ice cream too! The Anderson dairy gave all of the Bowler elementary teachers coupons for a free scoop of ice cream for each kid in their class. I love free stuff!

Here we are riding the train around the fair. I make all my kids wear orange every year and we've never had anyone lost or stolen.

Jara loved the kid zone. There were so many things for small kids to do. The sand pit was a big favorite. Notice the extreme look of concentration as she rides the trike.

Jara and her friend Logan petting a baby calf. Jara was mostly into the sticker she had just got and not so much the calf.

Jed took Jara on the "kiddie" coaster for her first fair ride ever and traumatized them both. It was a little too intense and resulted in rebellion on the carousel. Jara refused to go on anymore rides and Jed had to scalp his carnival tickets to an 8-year-old girl.

My favorite part of the fair, the food. This is the one time of the year I put down all my guard and ignore my inner germ phobic and go crazy. I ignore the fact that people without gloves are touching my food and go to the Navajo with no teeth who sells the Indian tacos because he makes the best! Once I let go, I really let go and pray I don't get some horrid stomach ailment or disease. Between the two days we had pretzels with cheese and ice cream, twice, (I justify by saying it is for Jara) a taco, Jed goes for the pork on a stick from people who I'm pretty sure only speak two words "money and napkin", a corndog (also for Jara), a funnel cake (Jed), and the aforementioned Indian taco. In the picture Jara is enjoying an olive, you have to look close.

Yes, we are dorks I admit it.

Tried and True Traditions

Let me tell you a story about a tradition embraced by my grandmother, Ruth Leavitt…
This tradition begins around Christmas occasionally as early as Thanksgiving and continues well on into the new year throughout the spring and dies out sometime thereafter, if we are lucky. You may be asking yourself what tradition can last through so many seasons. May be you even want to start this tradition for you and your own family. The tradition of the… YULETIDE HAM!!! Grandma in her ever practical state of mind would make a ham sometime in the fall/winter season and then continue to recycle it’s goodness for many more festival occasions. The Maddy family most often being the recipients/victims of this joy. To see the sheer horror on my cousins faces when grandma would say “Come over we’ll have dinner, I’ll pull out the ham” was priceless. However, being the hungry, growing boys that they were, I think they may have savored the ham more than I imagined or they just fed it to grandpa, the cat, or possibly even a cow. The essence of ham baking in an oven brings back a nostalgic feel for me and I can eat ham lovingly the first occasion but beyond that is asking a lot. It is very rarely I’ll turn down a free meal, but I have been known to turn down ham being resurrected from the freezer in July. My grandma passed away this fall but I couldn’t let her traditions be buried with her. I asked my mom, who does not feel as strongly about ham as my granny, if she would be making an Easter ham. The answer was not affirmative in nature so I took it upon myself. However, having never bought, cooked or served ham to anyone I was a little naive and ill-prepared for the process. When I went to the store there were many kinds of ham: bone-in ham, picnic ham, boneless ham, shank ham (is that really mean butt), ham-hock, and finally something I could identify, spiral-sliced mapley brown sugary goodness, you- can’t -screw-this-up-ham. I went with the latter choice. All eight hundred pounds of it. When I put it in the basket the basket heaved and people turned to see what kind of shopping cart abuse I was committing. I did my best to channel my inner granny and cooked my ham with all the tender loving of a first time ham cooker and it came out lovely, until Jed cut my spiral-sliced ham the wrong direction. This was a small hang-up however, because everyone proclaimed it was wonderful and each kindly took a small piece, they assured my they just wanted to make sure everyone got enough. I had very kind guests and to reward them I sent them all home with a doggie bag of premium ham and assured them that we still have plenty left over to freeze and bring out on fourth of July!